inside my head

Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

Everyone! I hope you all got what you wanted but most of all...need.

I feel so bad

2004-12-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

Rushing through this, just for the grade. It's not really about the grade has much as it's about who I am...

I didn't want my blog to be my classwork and to fill the space for each week, that is exactly what it became. I know I need to lighten up on myself, my plate has been very full, but I hate to make excuses for myself...weakens me in a way.

My greatest regret this semster is not having the time later in the semester that I had in the beginning...balance as usual, GEE, what a surprise! I also regret that I had such difficulty grasping many of the concepts that I was learning...

...just the way things happen sometimes.

Well, that's enough babble for now. I'm sorry that I didn't keep working outside the classroom, I barely managed to keep up inside. It shows in my work, just sort thrown together...but I've always liked the originals better anyway.

Have a wonderful life. I hope everyone will keep in touch somehow...someway.

Dear Class

2004-12-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas with me. I went searching for help. Trying desperately to understand this weeks topic. I found everything from hate and craters, to God’s guidance, menopause, onions, and kittens.

Where else could I find such a wide range of selection, with and without understanding. You are my grocery store, filling my cart with life’s necessities. I am forever in your debt for helping me complete a portion of this assignment.

Eternally Grateful,

Nanci

Keep the Saints Away

2004-12-10T22:02:00.000-08:00

I stand in the hall out of the way
The scene unfolds just like a play

Oh when the saints

I struggle to hear more than sounds of death
Wondering when she took her last breath

Come marching in

The nurses scramble
The doctors ramble

Oh when the saints come marching in

I peek at her through the multi colored curtain
Will this be the last time? I remain uncertain

Oh how I want to be in the numbers

“We found a pulse!”
I feel repulsed

When the saints come marching in

I am the one who keeps her alive
The bees start buzzing in the center of my hive
I hear the voices start to pitch
How can you do this you selfish little bitch?

Oh when the saints

I break inside outside I cry
I feel alone I don’t want her to die

Come marching in

She brings her hands to her face
She is aware the tubes are in place

Oh when the saints come marching in

Do you believe in me the way that I believe in you?
You’re the one who always told me “there’s nothing you can’t do”

Oh how I want to be in the numbers

(Why does this song keep playing in my head?
How will I live with you being dead…)

When the saints come marching in

Let Freedom Ring

2004-12-10T21:59:00.000-08:00

Freedom is liberating.
Deliberating associating.
We walk through the door
Thankful for hearing our freedom ring.
I can dance, I can sing.
Whatever will this new freedom bring?
Together we can walk hand and hand.
I am his, he is my brand.
Seared, and sheared and pared
we are
Drifting through life like a falling star.
Plummeting through darkness.
Seeking control.
We crash we burn we heal we stroll
He lifts me up as no one else can.
He is my lover…he is my man
Sharing with me all that I am
Pulling me forward
Out of my shell…
Want to share in my afternoon delight?
Oh yes come closer it will be alright!
We kiss we touch we share an embrace
He tenderly shifts me slowing my pace.
Our beauty reflected in his shining face.
I believe in him, he believes in me.
I know for certain that we will always be
I love him passionately as if it’s our last day!
Every single moment in every possible way….

Feel my Pain

2004-12-10T21:57:00.000-08:00

Mr President I’m going to ask you again
Did you or did you not have sex with Monica?
I will say for the last time, I did not have sex with that woman.
The world of infidels release a heavy sign
If the president says so it must be true.
Oral is not sex.
I’ve always known that.
Convincing myself from the time I was five.
Who wants to lose their virginity at such a young age?
Without their consent…I didn’t.
When I told my husband of the few escapades before him
He looked at me with big blue eyes and
I didn’t even know that I had kept a secret
I thought you were a virgin, I saw the blood!
Are saying that oral is sex?
I glared at him through squinted eyes!
If that’s the case I haven’t been a virgin
Since Raymond preformed oral on me
Sticking his fucking tongue in my tiny little mouth!
Why don’t we look at this way darling…
I said as I moved lower…
If you ever want oral again
Perhaps you should shut up before I bite it off!

Moments of Hope

2004-12-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

Monday October 25, 2004

Another room, another hospital… it’s completely empty. She can feel the hope hover at every corner. She pulls it out and draws on it. As she walked to find out how her daughter is, she looked in the pale blue eyes of a small boy, walking from the street. They talk of surgery that he will have. He looks healthy enough…It must be something minor

…I hope…I smile at the use of my name…to know that I exist in places other than my own mind.

The doctor comes, spreading good news. She rushes from the hospital to run the marathon…In hope that she will get back before she wakes. She takes me to my special home, the ICU ward of Crouse Irving, just up the road from where her daughter is.

The lobby is empty, the weekend is over. People usually won’t stay but will pass in and out through the week. Unless all hope is gone…

Her throat is scratchy… Should she ask for a mask? Did she bring it or catch it?
“I hope I’m not catching a cold.” She cuts her visit short while trying to hold her breathe. Not willing to take a chance she leaves before her mother is called to open her eyes.

Mary Emily

2004-12-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

M ary is mother’s name
A bsolutely amazing
R ounding every corner with new insight
Y earning to be whole again

E veryone keeps counting her out
M y own mind entered that realm
I ntriguing is her desire to sustain
L ife is a puzzle she keeps revealing
Y outh shimmers gallantly back stage

M ind over matter
Y esterday doesn’t

M y mother is my determination
O ut of nowhere she prevails
T ouching my heart
H earing my fear
E diting my thoughts
R eaching out to pull me close

M ind over matter
Y esterday doesn’t

M otivation pulls
O thers give I take
M entioning my desire
M otioning for hers
Y ield to no one as long as yellow blossoms fall like snow

I ’ve always
L ove d you.
You were the first light to pull me out of my dark box.

A Time For Faith

2004-12-10T21:47:00.000-08:00

She talks of ballads
Written in prose.
She talks of flowers
Describing a rose

How do you feel today?
Like a daisy who has had
each limb plucked to
predict a romantic future.

I’m left scrambling
Searching for understanding
Not sure of anything
My mom died again today

I stood in the hallway
Watching them bring her to life
I wondered what I had done
DNR DNR is it too late?

The nurse holds my hand
Telling me that we can stop
“We’ll wait for my brother”
He believes in my decision

In less than an hour
She is awake
The doctor is impressed
Now talking of surgery
To fix what has broken her
In the first place.

I want to scream at him
But his words are the first
From his type that I like

He agrees that I’m not wrong
Her strength is that of willow
Bending reaching searching
Through the elements she survives

I hold her hand and caress her forehead
She is my mother her love irreplaceable
I long to crawl next to her
To be held…to know that

she still loves me after all I’ve put her through.

Dear Philip

2004-12-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Philip,

How you have grown, from three pounds eleven ounces to a young man, solid in form and in mind. You are an endless light offering wisdom beyond your years. You are sanity when there is none to be found. Your voice, once soft and playful, now deep like that of mans. Small hairs peek beneath your nose. Your straight dark hair now curls in unruly waves.

Though a young man, you’re still my little boy. Images of holding you, feeling your innocent breath against my neck. Memories of touching your back to verify life flood through me. Once small and helpless, now strong and able. You are my son, on loan while you find your way through the embers of life and beyond.

May the sky be your guide and the earth your protector. Reach past what is known and comfortable seeking adventures to fulfill your desires. Hold fast to your beliefs casting doubt aside at all cost. I will always support you in times of certainty, and will carry you when you are not. The spirits of glory gave me the greatest gift when they bestowed your presences in my womb. Enabling me, beholder of death, to partake in the splendor of giving life.

Love always,
Mom

My Daily Poem

2004-12-10T21:40:00.000-08:00

October 2

Today I read more Lehman
And wondered what he meant.
I thought about the canal
A place his hero never went

I asked my husband to help me
I read about the snow
He told me that he loved me
And just wanted me to know.

I read about the hotel.
Before I reached the figure eight
He smiled at me seductively
And said this man is great.

Because of the double digit?
He replied, among other things
then he touched my softly
And made my bell begin to ring.

But we’re not in London I meant it to distract
He looked at me cunningly-so what you’re not a Jew.
This isn’t Palestine either.
I suppose we’ll have to make do.

Make do he did
and then I did him again.
I imagine we’ll do it later
But now he’s quiet beneath my hands.

Inspiration...? Yes, I think I'll add it

2004-10-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Appreciation

I have so much to be thankful for.

My heart overflows to take inventory
Getting angry needing to scream
Soon regretting the purgatory
Suffered by our family
Should we talk or walk away
What will we be like today
Questions, we see them in our eyes
Wondering pondering blundering squandering
What will they be like today
I laugh I cry I sing I fly
We do it all together
I push they shove back
I want they need
Somehow we continue
smiles in their tiny faces
The seasons change
Now grown fears of their own
Are they grown they still need me
Hug me mommy make it better
It’s cold outside Don’t forget your sweater
I need them as much as they want me
Growing older much I plead
Wanting life to never end
Needing to know when it does they’ll defend
Without me to consult, advise and argue
Seeing darkness before the value
Knowing their strengths before they guess
Watching their back with butterfly finesse
Always cheering for their success.
Wiping theirs knees and embracing them harder
Knowing a days sorrow will bring tomorrow
Direction Inspiration Determination Exploration.
Given to glory when they leave my side
Trusting a great light to be their guide
safely back home to me

I have so much to be thankful for.

What's it mean

2004-10-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

This thing called life,
what does it mean?

I feel so lost, no one cares.
I care too much about what I've lost.

Searching, looking, always...
Seeing nothing, feeling everything.

Taking it all so personal.

I can't even remember what I'm searching for.
I feel alone, except for my thoughts.

My thoughts are as scrambled as my eggs.
No, I like them over easy.

I like everything over easy,
why then is everything so scrambled?

Screw it.
Screw this.
Screw me too!
That's it, I'm screwed.

Nothing to do, but bide my time
Time is always oppressing me.

I wish I were on an island
with sand being my best friend.
No way to tell time except by the sun.

To eat when I'm hungry
and sleep when I'm tired.
No, then I'd have too much time,
to wonder over the meaning of life.

Oh well, it doesn't matter.
Tomorrow is another day.

Fuck you Scarlet,
get out of my head.

There's barely room for me!

TiMe

2004-09-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

EnDless moMents, spenT to Wait.
HurRy heRe, Rush to theRe,
StanD and Pace, sloW youR GaiT.

Make uP my MinD,
BefoRe I SCREAM.

Sitting peacefully,
Under the tree.
Hidden from willows,
No one can see.

I can breathe.
Is this a dream?

RuNNing FRanTicaLLy,
GeTTinG noWhere.
ViciouC CirCles…
ChaSing My TaiL.

Don’T GRoWL at ME.
ThiS is My sceNe.

ENDLESS MOMENTS SPENT IN HASTE.
…lacK of KnowLeDge,
THE TIME i WASTE…

Spider Shadow

2004-09-19T08:28:00.000-07:00

“What’s that Nana,” my grandson asks, clinging closer?
So close not even air can pass.
I follow his chubby hand to where his finger points.
Up on the ceiling is the fan and it’s shadow.
“What’s that Nana,” he asks again, shivering in his closeness.

“That’s the shadow of the ceiling fan,” I say, trying to calm his fear.
“Spider, it’ll hurt me,” he buries his head into my neck.
“No darling, It’s not a spider, though it looks like one.”
“See, count the blades, one, two, three, four, five.”
“Now count the shadows.”
“Fans shadow?” Still uncertain he ask again.

“I no like it Nana, it’ll hurt me.”
“No baby, it won’t hurt you.”
“Shadows don’t hurt, they’re great.”
“Look,“ I make a bunny. He laughs
He imitates. I laugh.

He covers his head and lays on my lap.
Every couple of seconds, he peeks at the shadow,
Making sure it hasn’t moved.
“I have a great shadow on my bedroom door,
It looks like a wolf’s head.”
“Wolves head,” he asks, covering his head again?

“What’s that Nana? He smiles because he knows.
“What’s that Camden?”
“Fan’s shadow,” he beams.
“Not a spider Nana,” he questions certainly?
“Not a spider Cami,” I assuage.

my other pick

2004-09-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Thought

I have a happy thought.
It gets me through each day.
-My life, of late, has been overwrought.
I have a happy thought.
It is what I sought.
Next week I start another way.
I have a happy thought
It gets me through each day.

This is my happy thought. I went through hell to achieve it. It’s been getting me through since June. Next week, I go part-time. More time for me, my family and of course, writing…I made it! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

reflection

2004-09-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

His love shines bright as stars.
Thru his heart, into his eyes.
He invites her with a look.

She takes it in and drinks of it;
Pulling him closer with his desire.
From him, to her and back again,

He talks of sweetness,
and calls it by thy name.
It’s not me you sense, I say.

I’m but a reflection,
Created thru absorption…
his assumptions go unheard.

He drinks forever, from her cup,
Poisons restricted overflow.
Two drown in loves cascade

I warned you...

2004-09-04T01:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't read poetry in years. It's been several years since I've written and prior to that it was decades. I'm just learning that writing is devine part of my life...it's wonderful.

Tonight my husband I went to see Kidd Rock. He did. I'm not a real fan, but my husband is. It was a great concert, very different from any others I've attended.

The moon turned orange just as the fireworks exploded and flames blew upward from the stage.

later...

Writing relaxes me, so I sat down to work on my story.
Fiction writing is my other online class. I'm very excited over both of them. The communication has been refreshing!

Anyway, I thought I would work on something else because the story has been done for a week and I'm getting bored with it. Without feedback, I'll just chase me tall.

This is what flowed out in minutes:

ramblings

Cold and broken, here I lie.
My chest heaves.
Crumbling further until ashes blow.

What can I change?

Sunshine, rainbows, all illusive,
Drunken thirsts never quenched-
Still we trod….onward.

Drip, Drip, Drip…
She cuts again,
Pulling the pain from inside.
Drip, Drip. Drip…
Is it real?
What is real?
Why do we hide?

Truth and lies it’s all the same
It’s not my fault, I’m not to blame
Responsibility’s for fools
Who are they to make my rules?
Why should I listen?
Why should I care?
To line their pockets?
Where’s my share?

really...

2004-09-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

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